Discovering Dulaari

When there's little to do on your hands, you do what we should be doing all the time. Delving into one's own self.
Sticking your hands deep inside the core of your painful past, yanking it out and making peace with it. Something I suck at. Royally!
I can say this act logically makes sense to me. All of it. When it comes to facing pain, I bury. I bury in the deepest ebbs of my soul, under a lot of laughter (genuine!), tons of work, other people's problems, worrying for them, taking care of them. I just. do not. want to go near the pain I've pushed down beneath it all.
To be honest, this approach has worked for me pretty well for years. For once, I'm forced to take a long hiatus from work and some familiar painful situations from my past popped up. And I almost popped a nerve!
Yes I'm an HSP and being highly sensitive, things hurt more, I don't miss minor details of behaviour or surroundings and everything affects me but I've been too ashamed of it all too long. Being jeered at for being sensitive, called weird and whacked out. All too familiar and I always believed it. Sided with others to thumb my nose at myself. Always apologising profusely for being myself. Knowing almost inherently that everything is always my fault, making a victim out of others. Waging a never ending war against myself. All of this, merrily sits on top of the pile of aches and pains I've buried beneath the life I built for myself, dangling it's feet, munching an apple. Just that I have nothing to bury it underneath for now! I am forced to see it all in the eye, things I thought I was over and done with. Truckloads of loss, abandonment, deaths, sexual assaults, more abandonment. Everyone I seem to love eventually leaves. I'm almost scared to love someone, it just goes on to guaranteeing they will eventually abandon or betray! Is this really what I get to be honest times and again? No matter what horrors my past entailed? How is this fair in the bigger picture of things? Where is karma when you need that b*tch? (Pardon my French).
So I'm stuck in this hide and seek I play with my Pandora's box. I don't want to open it. I want my life to remain beautiful but it promises something I don't have and can't have unless I let the demons fly.
Hope.
Do I need it? Hope for the dreams I once had, that I'm slowly letting go off, putting away in the bag of shadow. Maybe make new dreams? Give up on things I always wanted which were rather mundane by the world's standards and accept the radical, exciting reality of my life that people would kill to have as their life but the ingrate, me, considers a settlement of sorts?
I must have the courage to give myself and life another chance. Maybe I will, with the right amount of care and once my work gets back on track. Work. It's beautiful. It's what I have let define myself over the past years and it is gorgeous. The one love of my life that gives back as much as I give in but as I've turned my life ALL about it and nothing else, is it really all there is to me?
Dada jaan, Abbaa, Ammi. Never loved me for my jobs, careers, studies and things I allow to describe my life with. They loved me. Beneath all of that. With my vulnerabilities. I was their Dulaari. What will it take for me to become my own Dulaari?
Another lifetime perhaps.