Aur Bulaatay Bhi Nahi...

"Khoob pardaa hai ke chilman se lagay baithay hein , saaf chhuptay bhi nahi saamnay aatay bhi nahi." 

So June 01 came and passed me by. A first in17 years, I was too overwhelmed with emotions to write anything for dada jaan. This was one of his favourite she'rs from this ghazal, I can actually almost see those sparkling eyes dancing with a naughty glimmer at "saaf chhuptay bhi nahi". Who knew it would fit our distance, this perpetual visaal, so well one day. 17 years since I wished you a happy birthday for the last time. That phone call is carved in my heart. The last time I heard your voice, the serious concern over my exams, the hearty laughter, the promise to follow that we will properly celebrate once my exams are over and done with. Par... "Ho chukaa qata'a taalluq tau jafaayein kyun hon, jin ko Matlab nahi rehtaa Voh sataatay bhi nahi" there were other plans in store. A qata'a taalluq was in the making. I lost it. Those days and nights in your darkened room, waiting for you to return, that familiar walking stick sound, your feet on the concrete floor or that ubiquitous smoker's cough. Anything? Kyun Matlab naa rahaa, kyun sataatay bhi nahi? I miss everything about you, every. single. day. I wish you were around to celebrate me, my strength, my life, my accomplishments, ME. I was your child.with every following loss of a loved one, yours is reinforced , for you were the first time my heart was ripped from its place. What is sabr? What is life? What is time as a healer? All myths. Bloody myths. Jo Kisee ko aisay chaho tau kho ke bataao ke kaisee healing, kahaan ka sabr. Jab chaahnay ki sakat hee naa ho tau kaun samjhaanay aayein aur kaun samjhay. 

Some of these days the pain gets unbearable. Others, we are good at faking or bless the failing haafiza and the following fits of guilt. You'd have been over a hundred years old but I'm damn sure your spunk would still be out shining most out here. Your side of things are getting way too populated for me to keep liking this side of things. 

"Uzr aanay mein bhi hai, aur bulaatay bhi nahi... Baayesé tarké mulaaqaat bataatay bhi nahi."

Yet I'm this sore loser who keeps mourning and mourning and then some. My blog and life has pretty much become a graveyard and that's all where I wish to dwell. It's all because of you, there is no one else who I'd ever listen to, who knew how to fix me. And now I don't have you. 

"Zeest se tang ho ay Daagh tau Jeetay kyun ho, jaan pyaari bhi nahi jaan se jaatay bhi nahi."